Ok, so I HAVE to blog about this because not only did I just have the most fantastic laugh in more than a month, I learned just a little about what readers are expecting from romance writers.
If you haven’t made your way over to Amazon.com and the “Your darned hated certain phrases!” thread – then you are seriously missing out on the howl of the day.
From what I can tell, the first post started with a writer complaining of a phrase about the hero’s hands spanning the heroine’s waist. Since its July 23rd conception, over 650 posts have been added to this thread in response to the complaint. It has basically turned into a free-for-all for readers to drop by and let the world know what is annoying them most in romance writing.
My very favorite suggestion came about half-way through the thread, where one writer says something to the effect of:
“Authors should retire these phrases like athletes retire numbers. At romance conventions they should hold a vote, write the phrase on a huge piece of paper, and haul it to the ceiling.”
One contributor goes on to say: “I'm all for your idea of banning/retiring phrases. But instead of authors getting to choose, IMO readers should get to vote on the phrase to be retired....kinda like "Voting A Phrase Off The Island". They can announce the winner and perform a Ceremony of Induction into the Hall Of Shame at one of the conventions.”
I did scroll through several pages on the post, tracking the most hated, and ‘voted’ on phrase more than four times. By “voted on” I mean mentioned as being overused. These the most votes that I counted after going through half the thread:
1. Slanted his mouth over hers (6)
2. He smelled of man/musky (6)
3. Honeypot (5)
4. Burning sword of his manhood (5)
5. Her bones turned to liquid/boneless reference (5)
6. Her pink tongue wetted her lips (4)
7. Anything dripping or gushing (7)
8. PINK nipples (and small) (5)
9. THROBBING anything (member, manhood, etc) (8)
10. Having sex on a horse (6)
11. Touching her womb/ramming her womb (6)
12. Pinching nipples or clit (5)
13. His ‘manroot’ (9)
14. Having morning sex without showering the ‘goo’ from the night before or brushing teeth or peeing (10)
15. Kissing after oral sex (6)
16. A term for oral sex ‘Buffeting’ (like Golden Corral - ? Didn’t get this one)
17. The bulbous end of his shaft (4)
18. His manhood (6)
19. Steel encased velvet (or some mix) (4)
20. Purple penis (4)
21. Pulsing veins on penis (4)
Now I didn’t get through all the posts, it’s late and I’m exhausted, but one thing consistent through the thread was that writer’s were asking for REALITY in the writing – from protective sex to the heroine having her period to not all women enjoying anal stimulation. So although this is interesting, I’d say take what you agree with and then take the rest with a grain of salt. This is just a sampling of the reading community.
Now, for my top 6 favorite comments from the post, these had me laughing out-loud.
(1) I made the mistake of reading (author name and book removed) and by page 15, I felt like the single-minded, sadistic child of a gargoyle and imp, who had Satan as a godfather was repeatedly bashing me over the head with the word "howbeit." I honestly never dreamed of seeing the word that much even in my worst nightmares, and needless to say, by page 30, I in turn, felt like bashing the author, editor, publisher, cover artist, 3rd cousin once removed and their adopted dog - anyone even remotely connected to the book (and by association, the word "howbeit") - over the head with a sledgehammer named "Howbeit's Demise!"
And, I'm 5'11" and have dated a 6'8" guy before. Ummmm...it was hard enough for me to have a 'lil lip-lock time, I can't even imagine a 6'6"/5'0" or under pair. Some authors & directors are seriously missing out on some $ for the porno versions the Fantastic Four movies. You could have the Fantastic 69 with lots of stretchy, sweet-smelling cleavage/honeypot furrow chicas and throbbing, pulsing manroot hotties! And hey! Then we could even justify not knowing where one began and ended since they really would be pretzels!
(2) All of these examples of the male anatomy remind me of a line in Plath's 'The Bell Jar', after the young man has dropped his pants in an effort to seduce the heroine. 'All I could think of was turkey neck and turkey gizzards and I felt very depressed'. I wonder if the turkey was throbbing?
(3) Suddenly recalling a conversation some friends and I had regarding hairless dogs and their feeling somewhat like a penis - at least in skin texture. Now...if an author ever has the heroine liken *it* to a Mexican Hairless... What would the hero's reaction be I wonder?
(4) I know what you all mean about that "musky man" scent. Isn't that BO? Sweat? Not a pleasant smell. Does not make me want to have sex with him until he showers. Also...how come in romance novels when they wake up, first thing in the morning, they want to have morning sex without brushing their teeth first? Maybe it's just me, but the morning breath along with the musky man smell doesn't really make me want to grab his manroot until I'm boneless? Maybe after a shower and a toothbrush...
(5) I was reading a Historical Romance and his penis (or maybe his testicals, it was never made quite clear) was refered to as his 'ladycrackers' Which is just wrong. Needless to say, I didn't finish the book. It wasn't worth it.
AND MY FAVORITE…A SUMMARY FROM ONE OF THE CONTRIBUTORS:
(6) He, of the "gigunda manroot" wakes up and "spans his hands" around the waist of the "blonde, violet eyed" smurf lying "prone" on her back. He proceeds to wipe up all the "gushing" with his face. Waking her in the process with a "peachy" woman tasting kiss. She is so overcome she reaches out, thinking she is grabbing a tree trunk, she latches onto his "oversized manhood". He says "not yet first I must make you scream my name at least 10 or 15 times”. She nods weakly and sniffs his manly, horsey, sunshine smell. He says, "lie back and let me take care of your velvet sheath, while he is stoking her satiny shin and her silky hair". His eyes turn from grey to blue, hers from violet to a "gimlet" brown. He touches her "nubbin", just north of her "honeypot". She licks her lips, then purses them into a perfect little O. Her size DD's quiver on her 80 lb body, pink tipped of course WATCH OUT SHE'S GUSHING AGAIN.
I honestly have not laughed so hard in so long. I want to thank all the posters on Amazon and I have to say that I am impressed with the imagination and creativity in some of these posts. Now why are you still here reading this – go read all the comments! Besides, my fingers are ‘throbbing’ >wink<
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
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